The Bachelorette Season 13 Episode 3:

Well, the show continues with DeMario asking to see Rachel and she says, “Out of respect I feel I should go talk to him.” My first thought was “what respect? I no longer respect him.” But she went, and he talked, and he talked and he talked. Rachel gave a lot of time to him, and finally she spoke, she told him how it was and shut him down so hard, but with so much class, I can’t tell you how much I love this woman right now. I’m sorry but…. “Whaboom”?

She actually said, “What you did in the gym yesterday? That was a boy. I’m looking for a man … I’m glad you’ve realized you can move forward, but forward isn’t that way to the mansion, forward is outside of it. So I’m glad this has been a life lesson. I’m glad you gave me the quote about the joy and the pain. I hope the pain you’ve gotten from this gives you joy somewhere else, it’s just not here right now. …Thank you.”

She says “thank you” as she turns to walk away and smiles coyly. She knows that speech was Oscar worthy and probably my favorite moment in bachelor/bachelorette history. No Rachel, THANK YOU!!!

This boss bitch is not to be messed with. The situation with DeMario was actually amazing because it showed the remaining guys another side of Rachel and that she is serious. Rachel is 100% looking for love, not bullshit.

As the guys celebrate and move on with the cocktail party another disturbing occurrence takes place, Jonathan brought foam BFG hands and put them on his. He expected Rachel to hold his weird freaky BFG hand …it was so weird… Actually, if it were a guy I liked I probably would have been down but he throws me off a bit. Rachel laughed but didn’t like him enough to kiss him… we’ll get to that.

Blake and Whaboom:

As the night progresses we realize Blake is obsessed with Lucas. He really seemed to think if Lucas wasn’t there that he would have a shot. He says “Rachel is too smart to be duped by this guy.” Yeah no shit idiot, let her figure that out or fulfill her contractual obligations in her own way, why you gotta entangle yourself with Whaboom? Obviously, his strategy fails, but we’ll get to that.

Enter Lucas AKA Whaboom who’s jacket is pinned.. dude you’re going on TV, get a fucking tailor. I can’t even. At least pin under the arms on both sides so it isn’t visible. He sounds pretty drunk and explains to Rachel he thinks Blake has a crush on him (which I wouldn’t rule out.) He then proceeds to tell Rachel the most disturbing thing, which literally made me say out loud “OH, MY GOD.” Lucas said that Blake stood over his bed eating a banana. No, he mimicked the creepiest lick, it was so bizarre that Rachel asked him if he was serious and obviously, physically, (she stuttered) had a hard time repeating it when she asked Blake about it. (I thought the mansion had hidden cameras, can we not get a shot of the banana eating situation? Maybe on Guys Tell All? Please let that be true.)

Blake vehemently denies the banana scenario but I still can’t get the visual out of my head. He then says what we’re all thinking which is the more he talks about it, the more he seems like the crazy one.

Sadly Blake is right, Lucas is a clown. A clown who spoke my second favorite quote of the night, “Rachel is a smart ass chick”. Who’s season was it that someone described the Bachelorette as “a cool chick” and the other guy was like, “is she a cool ass chick or an amazing woman?” and the vibe was all like, “Ohhhhhhhh” Kaitlyn or Jojo’s? Anyway, Rachael had enough and both Blake and Lucas were sent home.

The Rose Ceremony:

Sorry to skip ahead but yeah both Blake and Whaboom were sent home in a not-so-surprising ending.. which didn’t end.. again, we’ll get to that.

Other moments to note were the puns in which Will and Kenny accepted their roses with. Kenny says, “How Kenny say no?” (can he) and Will, “You know I will.” that really gets Rachel, since she already complimented his lines earlier… but are they just lines or is there something deeper? I like Will so we’ll see!

Bryce accepts his rose “with an open heart” you can think what you want…

Anthony accepts “with pleasure”.

These guys really try to outdo one another with how they accept, I mean, how many times did we hear “Of course” last season. But really, that’s what I would say… I mean, If I weren’t going to accept the rose I wouldn’t stand there all night. You know how long rose ceremonies take? Forever. At any given time in your life, there is likely a rose ceremony happening on either The Bachelor, Bachelorette or Bachelor in paradise, or some other show they create. (Tangent, sorry.)

Dean and Peter have roses so they’re safe, she has 15 roses and 18 guys without roses so three guys are going home. When it finally gets down to Blake, Lucas, Jamey, and Diggy, it’s pretty obvious who goes home. Diggy for the win.

Blake and Whaboom Continued…

After the rose ceremony the losers walk out bitching about one another,  Blake walks up like he’s going to squash things, but instead continues on with “Fuck you, bro…” Why? Why? If you’re going to say “Fuck you” to someone don’t follow it up with “Bro” honestly. This continues for 2 minutes and 45 seconds… Yeah 2 minutes and 45 seconds, I timed it. It was kind of hilarious and like a car wreck that you can’t look away from but also, like, let’s get on with the Bachelorette. These clowns have already taken up so much screen time and there are 20 some cast members… Just think about the advertising money ABC could have made off that amount of time. I can’t believe these morons got that much free publicity and the worst part is that Blake made Whaboom even more famous, he gave all the power and so much attention to the thing that he hates most. Whaboom! Sorry, but it fits here.

Blake, you let him get under your skin for whatever personal issues you have. You have nobody to blame but yourself. Why did you even associate yourself with him? Nobody would have even known you two knew one another and were you really worried that he was your competition? Have you never watched the show? You made whaboom famous, not Lucas, you’re an idiot.

ABC Stop casting everyone from LA. It’s enough already.

Ok on with the show…

Rachel gets to take her group date on Ellen!!! I LOVE ELLEN! Who doesn’t? Enter Jonathan again, and Rachel tells Ellen he tickled her coming out of the limo. Ellen says the thing we’re all thinking which is “I don’t like that, that’s horrible and why is he still here?” She then proceeds to tickle the ticklemonster. I love you, Ellen.

Three of the guys show up in basically the same outfit. A gray sweater looks great on everyone apparently.

I was kind of shocked to learn that Ellen always makes guys dance shirtless for dolla bills. I actually didn’t believe this was a regularly occurring thing. It kind of made me glad she’s objectifying men in the same way women are usually objectified, so perfect for The Bachelorette. Yas betch.

The guys are all shirtless, dancing for money and Alex is losing it… In the words of Will, (and my favorite quote of the night) “Alex is this big burly Russian dude and he doesn’t give a damn” camera then cuts to Alex who apologizes for dancing on someone’s grandma right before admitting to peeing in the pool at the mansion and describing the nude selfie he sent to an ex as “classy” during a game of Never Have I Ever.

Also during the game, Fred revealed that he knew her before coming on the show and has basically been after her his whole life.  Finally, it’s revealed that Peter, Bryan and Will have already kissed her but he hasn’t. He says he’s going to step up his manly side and get further with her.

Blah blah blah Fred says Rachel is “so deeply rooted in his soul” which is like wow, ok. On their one on one time he asks her for permission to kiss her, which I like and it should be applauded, consent is sexy. Unfortunately, Rachel made him feel badly about asking and the kiss was so lackluster Rachel sent him home. She couldn’t move on which is sad but I think she has her eye on someone else (Peter) and doesn’t have time for him or being “deeply rooted” in his soul.

The One on One:

Rachel’s one on one with Anthony was cute, other than their actual activity of riding horses down Rodeo drive. I don’t think he’s attractive but his words are always so thoughtful and she connects with him and that’s so sweet. He’s a generous and kind person and very intelligent. His title is an Education software management whatever the fuck that means.. please tell me in the comments if you know. The only really memorable moment of the date though was when the horse Anthony was riding took a shit inside the “Only in Beverly Hills” store. The reason they made them ride horses on Rodeo Drive escapes me but whatever.

Eric’s issue:

Eric is feeling a little insecure following Anthony’s date. I see his point, he feels like she’s not showing him enough attention, didn’t Shawn get like that with Kaitlyn? Anyway, the guys take it like he’s questioning her motives but I don’t think that’s how he meant it. To be honest I feel like it was a big misunderstanding but it put a target on Eric’s back.

The Group Date:

Dean looks really unimpressed with messing up his hair but Kenny is pumped up and all the guys end up having a great time. Kenny and Lee even show off some wrestling choreography. (Because in what world would Lee be able to flip Kenny unless it was staged?) This is me not mentioning Brady’s hair or spray tan.

Raven tells Rachel that Bryce and Lee both warned her about Eric and Kenny admits to formerly working at ChipNDales even giving her a preview complete with ripping off his shirt.

Once It’s Eric’s time he asks her for some reassurance and she gives it and confronts him about what Lee and Bryce said. They seem to settle it and then Eric confronts Lee and Bryce about what they said. Lee is the most manipulative person I’ve ever seen. Their conversation was actually disturbing but I don’t think he pulled one over on Eric. I’m kind of excited to see how this whole feud turns out actually. Especially in light of Lee’s potentially racist, definitely offensive, tweets.

Rachel eventually presents Eric with the group date rose. Then Iggy comes in from left field and flips around what Eric said. I like Eric, I hope he makes it through these childish games. Do these guys actually think they’re going to win by pointing fingers?

The show ends with Eric confronting the group and Lee being honestly really creepy. The way he is antagonizing Eric and trying to make him look crazy honestly upsets me. In the preview for the show, Kenny calls Lee a bitch and Will tries to explain race relations to someone who knows exactly what the fuck he is doing. I am very curious to see how this plays out, especially after Lee’s tweets have been exposed.

My top four remains Bryan, Peter, Dean, and Josiah. 

P.S. Does Rachel drink beer?